So what is wrong? I can’t put my finger on it. He is so relaxed, calm, peaceful and content. What do I want from him? The questions and doubts don’t leave me. The other kids around are so active and he is quiet, absorbed in himself. Maybe it’s just his character, doesn’t need people around him. He eats, drinks, sleeps (excellent) and passes the days contently.
But then there are the books with the stages. What should be done and when. He is completely behind, feeling I’m with him but not addressing me. I know what he wants but he doesn’t actually ask me for anything. Sits in the living room on the blanket, next to him there is a balloon that suddenly explodes. I jump at the noise and he does not even turn his gaze. I stare at his father, stunned: “Did you see that???” The first thing I do is to run, hold him and hug him strongly and closely, trying to protect him from this thing that “interferes” with him being a child.
In the evening I call a friend who knows. I tell her of my feelings, ask many questions and find myself in a torrent of words, letting all anxieties out, repeating the same sentences again and again and again. Detailing and dissecting each occurrence I recall. I remember I desperately wanted her to tell me “leave it, you are uptight for nothing, sounds to me everything is fine, don’t worry”. But she, with great responsibility , tells me “go for a check. Not because I think that something is wrong but because you are his mother and you feel that something is wrong”. The call ended.
I understand there are no more time extensions and delays. All postponements have been used up and it is time to act.
And then begin the calls, the talks with all people I think may help. In retrospect, that time, from the moment of the decision to check until the meeting with the professional authority, was the calmest time I can remember. On the one hand, here, I am doing something and not neglecting, and on the other hand I can still allow myself not to think about the judgement. This is also the time I started getting to know the best people to be found here.
And then came the time of the diagnosis.
